Recovery

It was gratifying to receive so much support after the last post about my low grade depression.

My sons were the among the first to respond. Both asked if I wanted to talk. I appreciated that.

Of course, I got good advice from my blog of readers. Many who have had cancer did not seem to be surprised.

One of the most interesting comments was from Bryan one of the F’n riders. He let me know that he appreciated sharing as much as I did about my personal life and family struggles and assured me that other families, including his, go through the same stuff.

His comments were really well written and heart felt and I was touched. So touched that I accidently deleted them when I was trying to respond. Fumble fingers. Sorry Bryan.

He got me thinking about why I write this, and why I seem able to be open to writing honestly about what is happening.

Many of you have expressed admiration for that quality in my writing. I assure you that what apparently seems hard to do, or brave on my part, is not. It’s just what I am like. I think it comes from a need to be understood. I have always felt that if people understood me they would like me. It has not always been true, but it is what I still believe. This blog also seems to validate that belief.

When I first met Linda, she was surprised at how much like her girlfriends I was, in the way we spoke to each other. I told her that was because I was “part girl” in that I have the female quality for talking about feelings. I do what most men won’t. I disclose. I give up a lot of information about myself.

Generally, I trust people to be kind so I don’t feel like I am taking any big risks. I have also found that it lets other people be open with me. It works.

I am not stupid about it though, I don’t think. I don’t disclose everything. Just enough to be understood , to try get to the truth of what is going on and enough to be interesting.

It’s a good way of sorting out who you like and want to hang out with. I like people who like the real me.

Ok, I am glad I wrote that. I have been thinking about it for quite a while and wondering how to get it into the blog.

I also want to say that the hard part for me is not the disclosure, it’s the actual writing it down so that you understand what I am going through and that it is interesting. So far, the response to my blog has confirmed that I seem to be getting it right. That makes me feel pretty good.

So, back to recovery.

I am feeling better. As soon as I wrote the last blog, things started to pick up. Linda and I talked. She edited the blog so, of course, we talked. And yes, I am more committed to contributing around the house. That has to happen, and it will.

Linda and I are now seeing my counsellor together and it’s good. Counselling is a good thing when you are going through a life altering event. It’s great that the medical system provides counselling for cancer patients. Who knew?

Generally, things have seemed better. The last blog also got me lots of attention. That always perks a person up. All me, all the time, is not healthy but can be healing.

To those of you who expressed concern about me, thank you.  To those of you who did not, you are forgiven. You all have your own issues and distractions.

That many of you are still reading this blog is surprising and gratifying in itself. I know lots of people have quit reading and that’s not a surprise; the drama has been over for a while.  Apparently, its easy street from here.

Actually not.  Healing is not simple. The other part of my recovery, physical part, is also proving to be more of a challenge than I thought.

My swallowing problems are not going away soon and apparently not ever. So now it’s about learning how to live with it and minimize the risks associated with aspiration. I have been though a bunch of swallowing tests and am now working on exercises that improve my swallowing. That is going to take a while to talk about so maybe I should do it in another blog. It’s actually quite interesting, at least to me, and I want to take the time to get it right.

I should also say that Linda’s and my time lately has been taken up with helping PlayWorks plan my retirement and beat cancer celebration on May 12. Those of you who are in town are certainly invited. It’s at the Cloverdale Community Hall. We are sending out invitations via email. If you do not get one, it was probably an oversight. For information or  let PlayWorks know you are coming  contact Melodie at the PlayWorks office, Melodie@playworks.ca or me at johnkuby@gmail.com.

 

5 thoughts on “Recovery

  1. Amigo,
    Just catching up on the last installments. So very sorry to hear about your being flat or bummed. However I think its to be expected. Not necessarily from you two being together all the time. Not necessarily from being retired either. I think it may be more likr PTSD. As terrible as your last year has been, its also probably been the most intense year of your life. You’ve been in a war. A full on head to head battle to the death. Every day you woke up in a fighting mood. Every day new challenges appeared and you had to face and fight them. As sick and as terrible as you physically felt, you mentally had to continue to charge into the battle and face your foe head on. In some ways you probably lived more and experienced more in the last year than you have in your whole life. You had to, you had no choice, there was no quit in you!!!!!

    There are lots of people who come back from battles and feel just like you. Some never get their old selves back. Most do. You will too. Why? Cause you can’t help yourself. You are my buddy who understood how I loved the challenges of what I was doing cause you did too. I just can’t imagine you will go on for too long without picking up and signing on for some new adventure somewhere. Physical, social,mental, financial, whatever, you’ll find it. And you don’t need to be in a hurry. Just be open for it. Go through what you are going through now because you probably need to. The good news about being old is just that. We’re old, we’re still here. Your “flat” period is just how many nano seconds of your entire life? Not much really.

    In fact, as bummed out as I am about your depression, selfishly I’m glad you are here to experience it, and honest enough to share it. I’m busy enough that it will probably be awhile before the next time I check in to your blog, and I’m sure your vibe will have changed. I’m looking forward to that. Love you buddy, hang in there.

    1. Thanks Greg
      Good to know your are reading this. Thanks for the encouraging words. You are right its PTSD light. I will be OK. The fog is already starting to lift. My vibe is changing. Next challeng turning this blog into a book. Its happening. Next celebration. The beat cancer and retirement part y the new owner of PlayWorks is hosting for me. Nice.
      Good to know you are so busy. Work must be going well. Happy for you buddy.

    2. Greg
      I just re-read your comments. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate your wisdom, as I always have.
      My retirement party has come and gone. It was a great time. i am feeling better. Now on to new adventures in the Sprinter Van. Our Casita.

  2. John, I personally have found that L- Tyrosine, an inexpensive amino acid that you can find in a health store and even some drugstores, is pretty good for taking my blahs away. I caution you that I am not a medical doctor and I encourage you to do your own research on this supplement. I continue to enjoy your blog. It is agift that you have the energy and spirit to keep up with it.

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